Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
