Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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