I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
