i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
