Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
