Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
