i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
