I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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