areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
