I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
