I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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