Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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