i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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