OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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