Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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