I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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