I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Houston, we have a squirter
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
