She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you inspire me to be a worse person
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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