I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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