I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He kissed a someone with a penis
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
