she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
