Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
