I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
All the doctor said was why
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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