just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
