Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
