How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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