I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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