So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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