mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
