She's JV to your varsity
My first STD was from a foam party
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
