I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
