New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
