I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
