she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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