Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
