I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
