i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
