i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
