they need to just BURY HIM!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
