people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
