I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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