I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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