I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
