Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
