I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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