he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
