He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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