If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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