when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
