Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
